Living with a mental health disorder is strange. It’s a constant mental shift from feeling well and then barely keeping it together. Sometimes I feel good, but most of the time I feel shame and guilt. Especially when it comes to taking care of my daughter. I often wonder if I am enough for her or a failure as a mom. Every day waking up feels like a struggle. I never know if I’ll have energy or be exhausted. Or what mood I’ll be in. I know this probably feels depressing, but this is normal for me. It’s something I’ve just come to terms with. That there is no end goal in overcoming Bipolar 1, but something to manage and cope with every day for the rest of my life.
On A Good Day
These days are rare in my life, I’ve never really quite felt “back to normal” after having my first episode in 2019. But there are days when I am stable. When I say stable, I mean nothing eventful happened that day to shift my mood or I’m not having any symptoms. These good days are typically boring, but at the same time, I am grateful for them. In the moment it doesn’t feel good, but by the end of the day when nothing significant has happened to my mood, that’s a win. Having Bipolar 1 feels obtainable when I have good days. It’s like okay I can do this, I can continue to take care of myself and manage these symptoms. Good days are bearable. I don’t feel like giving up and I have a more positive outlook on life.
On A Bad Day
Bad days look like not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. Feeling like I want to give up because I can’t take these days anymore. On bad days I have symptoms and mood shifts. I usually don’t notice these things, they are usually brought to my attention by my husband. But I do notice how miserable I feel. I won’t want to leave the house or get dressed. I either over or under-eat. I just can’t take life anymore.
How to Get Through The Day?
I get through the day by surrounding myself with the people who love me the most and the things that bring me comfort. Writing gives me an outlet, along with meditating, reading, cleaning, talking on the phone, movies, TV, etc. Getting outside always lifts my mood and gives me more energy if I am really tired. Food and coffee bring me comfort as well. Having purpose, motivation, and drive keeps me focused on the tasks at hand. Seeing my husband and daughter smile makes my day and keeps me going.
If you or a loved one is struggling, I encourage you to reach out to someone. SAMHSA National Helpline is a resource. Do not hesitate to reach out. You are not alone in your journey! Stay tuned for weekly blog posts from Stronger Everyday Mom.